UPDATED!

Do you HATE DC movies? Do you want an allegedly lucrative career as a Disney-supplemented movie critic? You’re in luck! Here’s how to be a DC movie critic in five easy steps, along with why your potential reviews  are fraught with peril!

1. Point out ‘bad CGI.’ Fact is, most people don’t even know what the fuck ‘CGI’ means, much less that most big budget films utilize the same techniques and often the same companies to create it. If a film’s budget is north of $150 million, the CGI is as fine as any other movie’s. Complaining about computer generated imagery is a great example of fodder critics borrow from other critics that then get carried over to the general public.

2. State ‘the plot is exactly like (insert random Marvel film title here.)’ Don’t be an idget. You sound like a fucking idiot when you claim tropes from classic literature and 80 years of comic books and movies were created in 2012 for the sake of Marvel films. There’s nothing original under the sun but, if we want to be honest, Marvel has borrowed much more liberally from DC than vice-versa. You think that ”Black Panther’ plot was original? It was ‘borrowed’ from a 2011 Aquaman comics series and literally hundreds of classic Greek, Roman, Norse, Hebrew, Native-America, Hindu, Muslim, Christian (am I leaving anyone out?) myths.

3. “It isn’t comic book accurate.” Get the fuck outta here with that shit. MAYBE some boomer and gen-x reviewers have more than a surface knowledge of DC comics’ 8 decades of ever-changing infinite earth crisis/reboot storylines, but there ain’t no 20-something Abercrombie-wearin’ recent college graduate “superhero movies are my life'” wannabe critics who know anything about anything except maybe shoes and mixed drinks. Maybe…

4. “It’s good despite it’s flaws.” If there’s ever been a phrase that damns with faint praise, it’s this one. I can find flaws in the goddamned Mona Lisa. When you Disney-obsessed pretentious Henry David Thoreaus find something that doesn’t have flaws, write about it. Until then, step your ass back from the edge of Walden pond.

5. Obsess over the film’s budget and box-office. Depending on who is writing or discussing the movie, international box-office doesn’t count, or it does count, or it doesn’t count as much. Marketing and PR should be counted in the budget costs, or it shouldn’t be. Fact is, unless you have a some sort of background in movie studio finance, you don’t know shit about how the profit margin will affect a movie’s success in the eyes of the studio.

6. “It’s too woke.” Hey Einsteins – the very birth of the Superhero genre starts with Superman slapping the shit out of a wifebeater and grabbing a gang of thug’s guns, stating he wished he could do this to every weapon in the world. Social justice is in the genre’s DNA. To use a Millennial word, If I didn’t get at least one ‘woke’ message from a Superhero film, I’d be disappointed. I like a healthy dose of social justice in my comic book movies, not only because I’m liberal AF, but also because it’s ‘comic book accurate.’ (see #3). Don’t like social justice messages in your comic movies? Don’t buy a ticket. And please don’t pretend they haven’t always been there.

There, now YOU, TOO can be a DC movie critic.